I have been in a funk.

I saw a friend of mine who’s lost 17lbs and looks fabulous.  While I am proud and happy for her, I had a knee-jerk, inner jealousy reaction to her success.  Why?  Because I haven’t been focused.  I’m hovering.  I’m letting my relationship with food have too much importance.   I’m living to eat instead of eating to live.  I’m seeking refuge from insecurities and stress in food.

When am I going to learn?

I’m starting over again, mentally, emotionally and habit-wise.  See, just a couple weeks ago I was all zen about this–I got too comfy and now I must re-learn my lesson.

What would I tell a newbie?  Maybe that’s what I need to be telling myself.  Since I’m doing very well in the exercise department

1.  Fill up on veggies.

2.  Rid your home of trigger foods.

3.  Try to make small, healthy choices.  Salad instead of fries.

4.  Plan your meals & snacks ahead.  And keep something with you so you aren’t tempted to stop.

5. Drink lots of fluids as long as they don’t contain sugar.

6.  STOP SNACKING!  That’s not what you’re hungry for.

7.  Eat consciously, i.e. not in front of the computer in total zone out mode.

8. Don’t let yourself get too hungry–that is asking for a round of overeating.

9. When people tell you that you inspire them, take it as a compliment and not as an opportunity to  mentally put your flaws under a magnifying glass.  Okay, this one isn’t for a newbie, but I need to remind myself of this, badly.

Breathe.  I can do this. I AM doing this.

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WHAT THE HELL?  over 2 weeks without night-time snacking and now 2 nights in a row.  What gives?  That bowl of cereal you ate was ridiculous and it didn’t make you feel any better.

I’m fairly emotional.  I think Aunt Flo is headed my way.  And today, my little boy graduated from pre-k.  I can’t even tolerate the idea of him going to kindergarten in August.  It’s really ripping me up because I feel like the time has just gone too fast.

So enough with the snacking.  Tomorrow is a new day.

And you are wearing your friend’s old jeans–in a size 12, no less–so cheer up!  There was a time when you honestly thought you’d NEVER wear a size 12.  And yet, you are.

Note to Self: Just because “Santa” gets cookies doesn’t mean you get to eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate chip cookie dough.

UGH!  Why the hell did I DO THAT?  I swear to god, it was like crack.  I kept choosing not to stop–just a little bit more.  Hell, even writing about it makes me want to dig in.  And I have no excuse since I did have an alternative treat in the fridge two shelves above the cookie dough.  I’m seriously irritated with myself….borderline disgusted. Cookie dough?  Really?  After how well I’ve been doing?  And I know that my trainer is taking my measurements/baselines all over again on Monday!  WTF!!!!!!!!!!  To me, this just proves that I still have a long way to go before I truly have a handle on my eating.  If it would wake my whole house, I’d scream to release the demons, LOL!

Now that I’m coming off my dough high, I trying to understand why I gorged a bit.  I think I was stress eating.  The mommy sprint. Christmas.  All the tempting food for the holiday.  The fact that I’ve been anticipating my daughter waking up any minute. Maybe I’m scared that my measurements won’t have improved any.  The overachiever in me really would be disappointed if that happens.

Deep, cleansing breath.  And another.

I’m about to Pollyanna the crap out of this so consider yourself warned.

 

But as I’ve written in the past, I can make a better decision right now.  I will not let this derail me tomorrow.  I will succeed in the big picture.

Guess who will be hitting it harder at the gym than previously planned?

I’m stealingRoni’s note to self idea:

Note To Self:  If you do not have an after-the-kids-go-to-bed treat, the world will not quit turning on its’ axis.  That is stress eating–or more likely, the come down from stress.  You have eaten plenty of good food today and you do not need any more no matter how bored or deeply ingrained the habit is.

I find evenings to be challenging. It starts when dinner preparation starts and it doesn’t end until BOTH kids are asleep.  It’s like a mommy sprint–a marathon would imply that there’s some pacing involved.  Not so much.  It doesn’t help that my husband’s schedule requires him to go to bed much earlier than most folks.  And tonight he is sick and turned in at 6:15pm.  Unfortunately, I do most of the evening stuff by myself.  I don’t want to sound like I’m disparaging my husband, but this situation is what it is.

So anyway, the fixing of dinner, the eating of dinner, the cleaning of the kitchen; bath time, bedtime routines (and there are 2 different routines since my kiddos are so far apart in age) brushing teeth and the application of magic lotion to ward off pesky closet monsters; a couple loads of laundry–washed and dried (if not folded) but miscellaneous tasks to get ready for the next day.   Side bar: I am fully aware that was the most atrocious sentence in the history of sentences.

It’s exhausting and stressful!  It makes me want to freaking gorge myself on something, anything.  But I didn’t tonight.  I can’t say it won’t ever happen again. 

But I didn’t stress eat tonight.