I’ve picked up some old habits again.  The main one being snacking alone at night after the kids go to bed.  Sigh.

Since this habit is usually stress-induced, it’s time for a little self-reflection.  And since you’re my lucky readers, you get to come with me!

Okay, what’s bothering me?

1.  I’m plateauing like a mother right now.  I am extremely frustrated with this.  I’ve ramped up my exercise like crazy and yet, no weight is coming off.  I think my middle is smaller, but I don’t really know.  I did buy my first ever size L shirt, tho. That was nice.

2.  I’ve made the decision that I will become a personal trainer yet can’t accomplish my own goals.  How am I supposed to help anyone else?  This one is particularly nuts because I don’t plan on even starting on certifications until next year.  I’ve got lots of time, yk?

Three friends of mine have given me pep talks and while I’m feeling a bit better, I’m still not feeling in control.  I still feel like as soon as I’m alone, I’ll stuff my face.

What are you really hungry for, Brianne?

Success.  Size 8 jeans.  Perspective, since I seem to have temporarily lost mine. Courage. Perseverence. Belief in myself.  Clarity.

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WHAT THE HELL?  over 2 weeks without night-time snacking and now 2 nights in a row.  What gives?  That bowl of cereal you ate was ridiculous and it didn’t make you feel any better.

I’m fairly emotional.  I think Aunt Flo is headed my way.  And today, my little boy graduated from pre-k.  I can’t even tolerate the idea of him going to kindergarten in August.  It’s really ripping me up because I feel like the time has just gone too fast.

So enough with the snacking.  Tomorrow is a new day.

And you are wearing your friend’s old jeans–in a size 12, no less–so cheer up!  There was a time when you honestly thought you’d NEVER wear a size 12.  And yet, you are.

Yep, fell off the face of the blogsphere again.  I am SUCH an avoider!  It’s not even funny how much I avoid blogging when I’m not on track.  Actually, it’s a pretty safe bet that if I haven’t blogged in several days, I’m off track.

Okay, so I’m off track.  Well, until today.  Today was a major improvement.

I’ll start at the beginning.  I’m only nursing my daughter once a day–that eliminates 10 weight watcher points.  I am having a hard time adjusting.  Now add the return of my cycle–hormones in all their glory!  I’ve gained a couple pounds back unfortunately.  I’m hitting that freaking mental wall again and it just flabbergasts me that I’m STILL hitting it!  After all this time–nearly 7 months now.

Postives:  I cranked out 1/2 mile on the treadmill yesterday and today (5mph).  I have run 1/2 mile before but never and I mean NEVER have I “cranked” it out like it was nothing.  Seriously, it was no big deal.  My heart rate only got up to 158.  180 is where I feel like I might die, so well below that!  I had no idea that my cardiovascular health had improved that much.  I ran a mile way before Christmas and I hated every second of it, so maybe I’m learning to love running. Who knows?

I have gotten over my fear of looking stupid at the gym.  See, I’m working with my trainer once a week now instead of twice a week (much easier on the checkbook).  So he gives me a routine that I follow when I’m not working with him.  So why was I scared of looking stupid?  The main reason is that he has me doing highly unconventional exercises (well at least at my gym where most people do the nautilus stuff and cardio machines) involving stuff like  TRX, kettlebells and pushing the treadmill while it’s off. When he’s next to me, coaching, it’s fine.  The first day I was alone, I felt so silly until this woman came up to me, out of the blue, and told me I was inspiring.  That was pretty cool, so I got over that little bit of anxiety!

Fred (trainer) also has me food journaling.  I was supposed to be doing it starting LAST Wednesday.  I tried a couple times but was eating WAY too much and I just didn’t want to see it written down in black & white.  Which, DUH, that’s the whole point of a food journal.  See?  I’m an avoider to the max!  I didn’t want to lie on the journal, but I didn’t want to disappoint Fred (or myself?) so I just avoided doing it.  Sigh.  Am I EVER going to learn?  Avoiding problems does nothing to solve them.  I know that.   I KNOW that.  Sigh.

I’m also struggling with some sadness. My aunt’s husband, who is just a few years older than I am, is dying of a rare form of kidney cancer.  It’s terribly unfair.  He–Rick, is a wonderful person who never has anything mean to say about anyone.  And he loves my aunt so, so much.  Aside from being sad about Rick’s cancer, I’m very worried about my aunt.  She leans on me quite a bit since I work for her and I’m just so worried that she’s going to fall apart and I’ll feel responsible for picking up the peices.  I don’t know if that is the reality or not, but right now it feels that way.  I haven’t wanted to admit it, but this has been contributing to the stress eating. 

The worst time for my snacking is between lunch and 3pm and then after 9 when the kids go to bed.  I had a leftover banana and I’m stopping there.  I don’t want to have to write it down on the food journal!  I’m committing myself to the food journal for at least a week. 

Plan of Attack:  Food Journal!  Stay busy during snacky down times (maybe get some stuff accomplished around here!)  Keep up with the exercise!

Don’t piss me off when I’m having trouble sleeping!

Here is a list of the 20 Worst Foods in America.  I am flabbergasted.  Of course, I knew that these foods couldn’t be good, but I had NO clue they were so freaking terrible!

This one really blew my hair back because it seems so innocent: the words “cheese” or “super” or “double” are no where.  It’s *just* spaghetti & meatballs, right?

Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce

2,430 calories
128 g fat
207 g carbs
5,290 mg sodium

HOLY SHIT!
 

 I mean really, holy shit!  There are people (like I used to be) who ate like that 3x a day!  I am just so completely astounded.  I almost have no words–ha, ha!  For those who know me, that’s a pretty rare occurrence.

What pisses me off:  this nutritional info is no where on the menu at Macaroni Grill.  You have to look it up on their website (which I am not linking purposefully) beforehand.  Who does that?  Well, I do, but most Americans don’t. I would bet a billion dollars that if you asked any random person in a restaurant if they could guess the nutritional information in their food, 9 times out of 10 that person would totally low-ball the estimate.  We have no clue just HOW bad restaurant food is for us. God, the sodium alone makes my blood pressure rise just looking at the number!

This is a f*cking conspiracy to keep us fat, unhealthy and UNHAPPY, and poor!  If we are unhappy, we’ll console ourselves with food.  I know because I’ve done it/do it!

Healthy food can taste great.  I’ve been cooking that way for 6 months now and it’s not that freaking hard! 

 

Note to Self: Just because “Santa” gets cookies doesn’t mean you get to eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate chip cookie dough.

UGH!  Why the hell did I DO THAT?  I swear to god, it was like crack.  I kept choosing not to stop–just a little bit more.  Hell, even writing about it makes me want to dig in.  And I have no excuse since I did have an alternative treat in the fridge two shelves above the cookie dough.  I’m seriously irritated with myself….borderline disgusted. Cookie dough?  Really?  After how well I’ve been doing?  And I know that my trainer is taking my measurements/baselines all over again on Monday!  WTF!!!!!!!!!!  To me, this just proves that I still have a long way to go before I truly have a handle on my eating.  If it would wake my whole house, I’d scream to release the demons, LOL!

Now that I’m coming off my dough high, I trying to understand why I gorged a bit.  I think I was stress eating.  The mommy sprint. Christmas.  All the tempting food for the holiday.  The fact that I’ve been anticipating my daughter waking up any minute. Maybe I’m scared that my measurements won’t have improved any.  The overachiever in me really would be disappointed if that happens.

Deep, cleansing breath.  And another.

I’m about to Pollyanna the crap out of this so consider yourself warned.

 

But as I’ve written in the past, I can make a better decision right now.  I will not let this derail me tomorrow.  I will succeed in the big picture.

Guess who will be hitting it harder at the gym than previously planned?

It is SO hard to figure out what is healthy when finding the nutritional information is like looking for my son’s shoes. Turns out they’re in the neighbors’ back yard and oh, by the way, it rained last night.

We went to Arby’s tonight. It wasn’t my choice: I was trying to be accommodating to my hubs who was starving. What to get? Obviously not going for the Big Roast Beef and Curly Fries. (Oh, sweet Mary, do I want some curly fries) I’ve learned the hard way that salads can be a big trap with all the extras they put on them, so I steered clear. I unhappily settled on the Jr. Roast Beef and applesauce cup from the kids meal. This sandwich was ridiculously small and over 6pts! I can get a plain grilled chicken at McDonald’s for 7pts that’s twice the size of the Jr. Roast Beef. I was SO not full or remotely full, so I ended up scarfing up my son’s Jr. Roast Beef, too. So that’s 12 pts. Only I didn’t know it was 12 points till I got home! Argh! I checked Arby’s website (which I’m not linking b/c they deserve no free publicity from me) and turns out I should have chosen the Martha’s Vineyard salad with the light ranch dressing for 7.7pts. Sigh. I’ll do better next time.

But let me say for the record–they should have the nutritional values on the freaking menu items so it’s not such a guessing game!

This should have been two posts.  Oh well.

But in other news, my trainer had some down time today so he kept me company while I worked on an elliptical machine.  I confessed that the days I’m not working with him are soooooooo boring, so he’s figuring out an interval training program for my off days.  I got a sampling of it today and I *really* liked it.  Basically, I go as fast as possible for 30 seconds and then regular speed for a minute.  Repeat over and over.  It’s really cool because it’s just 30 seconds–I know exactly what to expect and when to expect it.  I think I’m becoming his pet project–he’s asked for before pictures and wants to make a board with my progress on it.  Part of me is thrilled, part is terrified.  Thrilled because it feels good to get recognition for my hard work.  Terrified because I really, really hate my before pics. 

Before I started this process, I loved weight-loss stories, makeover shows, plastic surgery before & afters and the like.  I still like them, but now it’s a very different feeling.  Before, it was a wishful, impossible-to-accomplish feeling.  I can’t say they were motivating for more than 2 seconds.  Meaning, I would be all jazzed to “change” and then completely forget the next day.  Now, I know what change *feels* like.  I can relate to the people in those stories.  So, if i could help anyone else feel as well as I do these days, it’s got to be good thing, right?

Sharon left me this comment on my last post:

Are you depriving yourself from certain foods when you are “dieting”? Maybe you should try focus on simply eating and enjoying food, and not so much about numbers. In no time, the weight should just melt off before your eyes!

I guess the answer to this is yes and no.  I am REALLY trying not to “diet” this time.  I want to be healthy, thin with healthy eating habits for the rest of my life.  So I eat all kinds of “good” and “bad” foods every day.  My problem always as been the stopping part.  2 cookies just doesn’t do if for me.  I’d rather have no cookies than just a tease.  (and unfortunately, 2 cookies is still just a tease for me.  About 10 sounds right.  And 10 cookies is 8 too many.  You see where this is going?)

So yes, I do deprive myself of certain foods because I don’t trust myself to overeat yet.  But this doesn’t work either because I end up snacking on the damned cookies anyway!  I nickel and dime myself (in terms of points) to death.  Oh, the snacking! 

I hashed some of this out in my brain yesterday. I haven’t bought many “me” treats like pudding cups, etc because I’m cheap.  But I think the time has come for me to have a treat to look forward to everyday instead of having a craving that ends with my hand in the bag of cookies.

Portion control is the name of the game.  I KNOW this with my brain.  I’m still figuring out why I don’t listen to myself.  Repeat after me: “it’s a process…..”