Not the actual day I was born.  Reborn.  Reborn into a person determined to reach her goals and become healthy. Let me tell you a bit about what was going on over a year ago.  We had just watched my beloved father-in-law suffer in his last days on Earth from colon cancer.  I was fat and secretly unhappy.  I was so, so negative about everything.  I sat on the couch and stuffed my face most days.  But that was then.

 How about some comparison pics?

Okay, I had JUST given birth 2 days before, but I swear I was the same size 4 months later.  240lbs or so?  God knows I wasn’t stepping on any scales.

This was taken yesterday: 187lbs.

and again:  Last year in June, about 3 weeks before the new lifestyle.

and recently:

I just realized I have nearly no full body pics before or after.  I’ll have to do some digging.

Anyway, it’s important to note that I have not yet reached my goal.  I still have 25-27lbs to lose.  But I WILL do it.  And that’s all I’m gonna say about that, LOL.

What I really want to write about is change.  Sometimes I wonder if everything about me has changed–it certainly seems so on many days. True, my body is nearly 50lbs lighter, but I never anticipated the transformation on the emotional/mental level.  I’m nicer and more positive.  I hope that I’m less quick to jump to a negative comment.  I have less fear.  I have dreams and goals I never saw for myself at the beginning of this journey. I’m proud of myself.

A big part of my success is my trainer, Fred.  I honestly don’t know where I would be if he hadn’t come into my life.  Would I still be on the stupid cardio machines, learning nothing and then stalling out and quitting?  I tend to think so.  He has given me so much–the tools to succeed, the focus, the emotional support.  He has been Sacajawea to my Lewis & Clark.  He helped me break out of my shell of fear.  Gosh, I was so scared of looking stupid at the gym!  I was scared of everything!  I say this without hesitation: he’s the greatest teacher I’ve had.

I truly “get it” now.  The mind/body connection.  What fitness and strength feel like.   I have this thirst for life that I’ve never had before.  There is no perfection.  I still struggle with overeating–and probably always will.  But I know how to get back up on the horse now.

This has been the best year of my life.  I feel like I’ve taken great strides in becoming myself.


I’m giggling to myself over this title.  Duuuuude, it’s like Zen, man.  Okay, well I entertain myself at least!  hahaha!

But what I’m getting at is that I’ve come to a really great place, emotionally.  More about that in a bit.

I don’t think I ever wrote about having a sluggish thyroid.  I found out during my physical back in May–I take 25micrograms of the generic Synthroid.  At first, I was pretty irritated that I was on a daily medication.  That’s for old people, right?  Apparently, it’s for me, too.  I’m finally starting to see a tiny bit of difference.  When I am really exerting myself the tendency to get dizzy has greatly diminished.  I go back in August to have my blood drawn and see if I’m on the correct dosage for my deficiency.

In exercise news, I’m on week 3 of H.I.M. training.  (High Intensity Metabolic) Whew, this class kills!  It’s all based around doing a certain exercise for a length of time and then a rest period.  As the intensity increases and our tolerance levels increase, the rest time decreases.  For example, today we ran a series of sprints.  Each 45 seconds long with a  15 second rest period before starting the next sprint.  After 4 sets of sprints, we got 2 minutes to get water, etc.  Then onto another series.  This style of training is supposed to target belly fat specifically.  I sure hope so!  I actually started the class weighing in at 191lbs (thanks to being on my cycle and a BAD case of the munchies!)  I’m down to 186lbs and hopefully will lose 5-6 more pounds. I would love, love, love to see a 179 on that scale!

I’ve also been doing bootcamp on Saturdays for the last six weeks.  It’s hard in a different way than H.I.M. training.  I find it requires a lot more mental toughness–I suspect that’s mainly because of the jogging, which I still hate.  Perhaps if I enjoyed running, bootcamp would be less difficult….nah, my trainer would just find ways to make it more difficult! 

Running has become my cardio of choice when I’m not at HIM class or bootcamp.  I’m training for a 5k on September 26th.  Considering that I really dislike running, this is pretty amazing. I’ve run a few test 5ks on the treadmill (which in NO way simulates running outdoors in the heat or the hills in the town hosting the 5k) and I’ve come in around 36-37minutes with a bit of walking. Not too shabby, in my opinion.

On the eating front, I still struggle with snacking and overeating.  But I’m doing better.  Yesterday was a spectacular day, eating-wise.  I heard two quotes that really hit home for me.  One was from Farrah Fawcett via Ryan O’Neal–she said something along the lines of “that even if you are losing the battle, you have to keep fighting.”  and then Fred said that I could undo all the hard work I’ve put in at the gym by eating poorly.  Both very true.  I’ve worked so, so hard–why am I letting food stop me–after a YEAR of this?!?!?  Man, you’d think I’d have this on lockdown after a year, but I don’t.  But I do know that I can handle it.  That’s where the zen comes in.  It will happen.

Saturday mornings have been taken over by bootcamp. I haven’t decided if I love it or not.  I do love the feeling I get afterwards:  accomplished, strong and tired!  I’m going to stick with it as long as I can. I really wish I could take the weekday classes but child care + the cost of boot camp is a bit much.

This morning went much better than last week.  Last week, I kept getting dizzy.  Getting dizzy made me frustrated and in turn, pissed off.  Not my best performance by far.  Thank goodness today was good!  I was able to hang in there much better.

So far, bootcamp has only had 2 people participating.  I’m so used to such a small group that a large group would be so different–more people to screw things up! hahaha!  Some things were a bit funny today.  There was a newbie today named Rachel.  Rachel is super sweet but totally girly!  I kept telling her to harness her inner tomboy.  I think it took a bit for her to understand that this is supposed to be a BOOTCAMP experience.  By that, I mean Fred (instructor) doesn’t want us waving to people or getting distracted.  He really does want us to sing loudly in front of all the spectators on the greenway. Once she got that, she was great.  I enjoyed having Rachel there because she’s a cheerful person.  I tend to have a rain cloud over my head when I do poorly, so it was a nice dynamic.

It really took me back today–back to when I cared *so* much about how other people view me.  The old  me would have died before doing a bootcamp. (to be truthful the old me would have never survived a bootcamp, hahahaha)

I’ve still got 27lbs to lose.  I set a goal of a year.  I don’t think that’s going to happen, but I’ll keep on keeping on.  What can I say?  I finally feel like I am never going back to my old ways ever again.  It’s taken me 10 months to truly believe that I’ve changed.  No wonder people fall off the wagon permantly–10 months is a long damned time!

Sorry I’ve been MIA.  Just super busy.  And not much in the blogging mood. This is going to be a bit random.  Maybe I should bullet point, lol.

-The weather has been so nice that after supper that Husband and I put the kids in the bike trailer and go riding.  I am totally in love with cycling.  Okay, riding a cruiser isn’t cycling, per se, but if I said biking that would mean motorcycle, right?  Either way, it’s just the best.  I love the wind in my hair so, so much.  Husband even bought himself a shiny new bike so we can all ride together!  Now, we are contemplating an upgrade on our trailer.  In my grand scheme, I want to have a pop-up camper and for vacations we’d drive somewhere bike-friendly and camp and just be a family.  I want us to be that fit, active family.

-Exercise is going well.  Food is going well.  I’m feeling pretty zen about it all.  Once I busted 190lbs, things have been better in my mind.  For example, I had bootcamp on Saturday.  Purposely took Sunday off and Monday was Memorial Day and I was just too busy.  Well, Tuesday rolled around and I just didn’t make it to the gym for several reasons.  Did I freak out?  NO!  Because I knew I’d be in there Wednesday morning.  And while I did eat a brownie last night after supper, I know that I can control myself in the evening hours now.  I wouldn’t call it loosening up on myself.  It’s more like a new perspective.  That may be a crappy way to describe it, but it’s the best I’ve got.

-Yesterday, I ended up working out with one of the female trainers at the Y.  Informally.  It was an ego boost because I think I am in equally good shape as a TRAINER.  How crazy is that?  Fred was in the vicinity of our workout and I think he was really proud of me–he said, “Look at you, training the trainer!”  It was really fun working with this woman and I hope timing works out so that we can do it again. I think we could learn stuff from one another.

-I’ve been running on the treadmill again because I’ve committed myself to a 5k in November.  I’m not training for it yet, but trying to warm to the idea.  Right now, I do a 12 minute mile. In fact, I’ve been running a mile as a warm up before my workout.  A 5k is 3.125 miles.  So theoretically, it would take me just over 36 minutes to finish a 5k.  Yesterday, I ran for 15 minutes solid.  So I’ve got to triple that basically.  I’m pretty sure I can do it.  Luckily, I have a friend who is running with me!

I went shopping on Thursday.  I needed new clothes in the worst way.  The best part was that I learned I’m a size 12 in jeans.  And not just in one brand either!  The worst part is trying on a hundred pairs to find one if you’re lucky.  But hey, they were 12’s and not 22’s.  It was actually the first shopping trip I’ve had as an adult where I didn’t go into the plus size area.  Man, what a milestone!

 I finally broke down and bought a body shaper.

If I had known how AMAZING it would make me look in my clothes, I would have bought one a long time ago!   It smoothes out all the pizza-dough lumpiness and firms everything up.  And since it’s a camisole, it doesn’t smoosh the booty I’ve done a million lunges to create.  Plus, it gives me this invisible confidence that comes from not having to suck it in all the time, hahahaha!

I feel *so* close to breaking my 190lb plateau.  I feel like I have learned everything I was supposed to learn at 190 and now it’s time to move on.

I feel emotionally ready.

I haven’t snacked after supper in 5 days.  I haven’t bitten my fingernails in 8 days.  I was faced with something that hurt my feelings deeply and I didn’t turn to food for comfort.

I’m on a roll and I’m pretty proud of myself. 

I’m on the cusp.  Something greater lies ahead for me.  I just know it.

Hi there!  Guess what?  I got to go on a SPA WEEKEND! 

Can you say magical?  Because it was.  Heavenly.  Wonderful. Rejuvenating.  Although I am back up to 194, thanks to the extremely rich food I ate and the lack of exercise.  That’s disappointing, but what’s done is done.

My dear friend Beth is turning 30 next week and her husband treated Beth, myself and two other friends to a girls’ weekend.  It was so much fun!  We got to laugh and eat and get pampered all weekend.  Each of us got 5 spa treatments:  Manicure, Pedicure, Facial, Mint Body Wrap and Full Body Massage.  All were great, but I really enjoyed the wrap and massage.  The massage therapist took one look at my legs and asked if I worked out.  Her words: “they are massive!”  Typing that out makes it sound bitchy but her tone made it sound like a compliment.  It was nice that she noticed!

I was able to use the quiet time for a lot of self-reflection.  I really focused on why I keep losing and gaining the same 3-4lbs.  190-194 over and over.  Why am I doing that?

The Fear.

Yep, again.

I am so afraid of the unknown.  It seems so ridiculous when I type it out, but I am.  This weight is my comfort zone. Truly, this is as thin as I’ve ever been as an adult.  I don’t know what life, my body, my will power, my commitment will be like beyond this point. 

Something else that is discouraging me is my actual shape.  This weight loss has left me SO lumpy in my midsection. (see a couple posts down for reference. ugh)  I refer to it as my “built-in fanny pack” because the skin/fat/flab/c-section wasteland is like this fanny pack below my belly button.  It’s just awful and I can’t WAIT until I get a tummy tuck.  Pants just look abnormal on me–either I get extreme muffin top or this yucky, puffy area under the zipper area.  It feels so unfair that even after all my hard work, I still look like shit.  Or at least that area does.  It sucks. Hardcore.

But back to the fear.  Being fat and using food for comfort are what I’m used to.  If I give them up, what do I replace them with?  How do I give them up?  

What if I fail?

Every evening, I promise myself that I won’t snack that night.  And then I do.  I can have a perfect day, food-wise, and then blow it after the kids go to bed.  I am so frustrated!

What if I fail?  Why am I sabotaging myself? I don’t know how to put this any other way:  I’ve always been good at every thing I’ve ever tried.  I don’t quit and I don’t fail. Those have never been options in my brain.  I got great grades that came easily.  I make and keep wonderful friends.  My kids are pretty darn awesome.  My marriage is better than ever.  I’ve never really failed at anything.  Except for weight-loss.

I know, I know–I have lost roughly 40lbs.  Those 40lbs were a walk in the park compared to the 30lbs I’ve got left.  Seriously.  If I had known how hard this would be 9 months into this, I doubt I would have started at all. But I’ve come so far. Too far to quit, that’s for sure.

I don’t quit and I don’t fail.

What if I fail?

I don’t quit and I don’t fail.

Maybe if I say it often enough, it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.