I’m hitting the old mental wall again.  I think.  I hope not.

I’m trying very hard to stop it, but it is so stubborn.  I took SO much time off–basically the whole month of March, that I am really stuggling to get back to my fitness level I had gained before the break.  Plus, I can’t seem to keep my eating in check for more than a day or two.  Today, I asked my trainer to give me a pep talk.  Trust me, that dude does not get paid enough!  He is so willing to help me anytime that it’s feasible–listening, showing me something new, or writing out a new routine for me–and none of it is done during  my session time so they’re kinda freebies. 

He had some good advice that I am still processing.  One:  no crackers.  Crackers are  aptly named.  CRACKers.  I just can’t stop with a serving.  Fred also said to cut myself some slack since it’s only been maybe a week and half since I started back.  And to start small with the eating, hence the “no crackers.” He is so right.  I can avoid crackers all together, but if I eat one all kinds of hell breaks loose.

Another thing that’s tripping me up is that I got out of my routine of going to the gym five times a week.  It still feels a bit  foreign in some ways and like home in others.  I think I’m getting in the groove again.  I’ve got to find that rhythm, the balance again. 

Then there’s the emotional part.  Oy.  Long story short, we were spared from an F3 tornado on April 10th.  I actually saw the tornado hanging from the sky and then huddled in a closet with my family and waited for the worst.  And we were spared.  The tornado bounced over our subdivision, luckily.  An old classmate of mine lost his wife and 9 week-old-daughter in the same tornado–he was found 2 streets over from his house, barely alive.  He’s expected to recover.  Recover?  Yeah, he body may heal…but how the hell could he survive the grief……….

My aunt who lost her husband is leaning on me pretty heavily in her grief.  On one hand I want to be there for her, but on the other hand I dread her calls because I feel so damned  powerless and useless.  There’s nothing I can do to truly help ease her pain and it’s stressing me out.   I hope that I help her a little bit at least.

I’m trying to stay focused in the midst of this chaos.  Wish me luck!