To my regular readers:  I’m so sorry!  I’ve been prepping for my daughter’s first birthday party and it sucked every second of my extra time (or at least it seems that way, LOL).  We also had family from out of state come in for the party so I had lots and lots to do. I weigh around 192 in this pic. 



But not-so-great news. I’m up a couple, few pounds thanks to a wreckless weekend of bad food choices.  I’m hoping it’s mostly salt/water retention from stress, but I don’t know yet.  Sigh.  I swear I would be at goal already if I didn’t have setbacks.  But I wouldn’t learn as much if I didn’t have setbacks… I just don’t know what to think.

I’m having a tough go right now.  A person  I care for very much is dying of cancer.  I want to be there as much as I can for his soon-to-be widow, but I know that I, nor anyone else, is going to be enough for her.  I know what she is going to face in the coming months and it’s tearing me apart inside.  Unfortunately, I’ve watched both of my husband’s parents die of cancer and it’s awful and ugly and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  And dammit, I haven’t healed from watching my father-in-law die last year yet and I’m just not ready to do it again but here it comes whether I like it or not!  Add in some conflict between some extended family members. 

I am stressed out and sad.

So I am struggling. 

I am trying my damndest not to bury my head in the BBQ potato chips left on the counter by out out-of-towners.  I managed to make it to the gym today and did some cardio–10 extra minutes even.  Fred is switching up my routine this week: all I know so far is that my cardio is going to be upped and the strength training taken down a couple notches.  I’m not quite sure why though.  I’ll ask him tomorrow.

Speaking of my training, I had a crappy session on Friday.  It was not fun like I was expecting.  I had gotten bad sleep the night before thanks to a teething baby, so that was strike one.  Stress of getting the party/company situated:  strike two. Running late:  strike three.  And then the stuff he had me doing was just NOT FUN like last week’s session.  Very little interactive stuff.  It was not at all what I was expecting or anticipating, so I was kinda disappointed. Part of that is my fault.  I told him to be hard on me and give me things that I *might* not be able to accomplish.  I was so rushed that I didn’t really self-analyze and see that it just wasn’t the day for me mentally.  

If I’m gonna Pollyanna this, I would say there were a few good things that came out of it.

 1.  I was able to accomplish something Fred didn’t know I could do. The exercise was me in a “girl” push-up position, Fred sitting on my feet, facing my butt (LOL, poor guy!).  I wasn’t allowed to bend my hips, so that meant I was keeping my entire body above the knees, straight.  I started kneeling and he would push me to the mat where I would catch myself in a push-up and push myself back up to kneeling only to be pushed down again.  20 times X 3 sets= 60 of these damn things. 

 2.  I learned how truly important it is not to mentally defeat myself.  For the myriad of reasons I listed above, the session just wasn’t going well.  Then Fred wanted me to put my feet on a mover’s dolly (think a wooden frame on casters, no handles; just flat) and in push-up position, walk down the length and then across the width of the gym floor.  And I just knelt there and told myself there was no way i could do that.  And guess what?  I didn’t!  I totally *knew* I was psyching myself out *while* it was going on and I couldn’t freaking stop it! ARRGGHHHH!  I even said, “I’m mentally defeating myself right now.”  And I  We moved onto other things and came back to it and I’m proud to say that I managed to make it to half court without giving up.

3.  I learned that I perform better with an audience.  I don’t want the regulars at the gym see me give up, so I don’t give up.  But when we’re off on the basketball courts alone I don’t feel that pressure as much.  I’m not entirely proud that I like to basically show-off, but it is what it is and if  it helps me reach my goals, so be it.

I’m learning. I’m learning.