Yep, fell off the face of the blogsphere again.  I am SUCH an avoider!  It’s not even funny how much I avoid blogging when I’m not on track.  Actually, it’s a pretty safe bet that if I haven’t blogged in several days, I’m off track.

Okay, so I’m off track.  Well, until today.  Today was a major improvement.

I’ll start at the beginning.  I’m only nursing my daughter once a day–that eliminates 10 weight watcher points.  I am having a hard time adjusting.  Now add the return of my cycle–hormones in all their glory!  I’ve gained a couple pounds back unfortunately.  I’m hitting that freaking mental wall again and it just flabbergasts me that I’m STILL hitting it!  After all this time–nearly 7 months now.

Postives:  I cranked out 1/2 mile on the treadmill yesterday and today (5mph).  I have run 1/2 mile before but never and I mean NEVER have I “cranked” it out like it was nothing.  Seriously, it was no big deal.  My heart rate only got up to 158.  180 is where I feel like I might die, so well below that!  I had no idea that my cardiovascular health had improved that much.  I ran a mile way before Christmas and I hated every second of it, so maybe I’m learning to love running. Who knows?

I have gotten over my fear of looking stupid at the gym.  See, I’m working with my trainer once a week now instead of twice a week (much easier on the checkbook).  So he gives me a routine that I follow when I’m not working with him.  So why was I scared of looking stupid?  The main reason is that he has me doing highly unconventional exercises (well at least at my gym where most people do the nautilus stuff and cardio machines) involving stuff like  TRX, kettlebells and pushing the treadmill while it’s off. When he’s next to me, coaching, it’s fine.  The first day I was alone, I felt so silly until this woman came up to me, out of the blue, and told me I was inspiring.  That was pretty cool, so I got over that little bit of anxiety!

Fred (trainer) also has me food journaling.  I was supposed to be doing it starting LAST Wednesday.  I tried a couple times but was eating WAY too much and I just didn’t want to see it written down in black & white.  Which, DUH, that’s the whole point of a food journal.  See?  I’m an avoider to the max!  I didn’t want to lie on the journal, but I didn’t want to disappoint Fred (or myself?) so I just avoided doing it.  Sigh.  Am I EVER going to learn?  Avoiding problems does nothing to solve them.  I know that.   I KNOW that.  Sigh.

I’m also struggling with some sadness. My aunt’s husband, who is just a few years older than I am, is dying of a rare form of kidney cancer.  It’s terribly unfair.  He–Rick, is a wonderful person who never has anything mean to say about anyone.  And he loves my aunt so, so much.  Aside from being sad about Rick’s cancer, I’m very worried about my aunt.  She leans on me quite a bit since I work for her and I’m just so worried that she’s going to fall apart and I’ll feel responsible for picking up the peices.  I don’t know if that is the reality or not, but right now it feels that way.  I haven’t wanted to admit it, but this has been contributing to the stress eating. 

The worst time for my snacking is between lunch and 3pm and then after 9 when the kids go to bed.  I had a leftover banana and I’m stopping there.  I don’t want to have to write it down on the food journal!  I’m committing myself to the food journal for at least a week. 

Plan of Attack:  Food Journal!  Stay busy during snacky down times (maybe get some stuff accomplished around here!)  Keep up with the exercise!