Yep, I’ve barely even looked at my blog since the new year.  I’ve been feeling torn about what to write.

I was doing well, then I wasn’t, and am doing better again.  I feel like I’m beating a dead horse right now by even writing this out.  Losing this weight is freaking hard some days.  I really don’t know how else I can put it.

Wow, I sound like a Negative Nelly.  That’s not really the case, I’m just feeling really uninspired to write.  But I do notice that I stay on track the more often I post–so you see my predicament!

Let me see if I can get in the groove again.  I’m stalling at 194-196.  Just like I stalled at 200 and 205 (wow, I just realized that).  My trainer reminded me that I probably need to be consuming fewer calories to get over this hump.  Do you know what my first reaction was?

I WAS PISSED OFF!  I thinking I have a hard enough time NOT eating more than I already do and now I’m supposed to eat less!  WTF?  In fact, just hearing that made me want to eat more.  I wish I could say that I resisted temptation like a perfect model of will power….obviously, I can’t say that.  I didn’t go crazy but since i was feeling a little raw and hopeless, I really wasn’t making the best food decisions.  I should have called my trainer to talk about how I was feeling, but I didn’t want to interrupt his family time over the weekend (even though he wouldn’t have minded at all).

So Monday rolled around and before we started our session, I spilled my guts about being pissed, etc.  He helped me come up with a game plan–overdose on veggies.  Rather than worry about calories and such, just extra veggies.  It’s  pretty simple and I *knew* that concept but I was so blinded with my anger/frustration, I didn’t remember it. He also reminded me that once I reach my goal, I will be able to eat more.  So that’s what I’ve been doing.  Adding veggies.  Oh, and I got a supercool new water bottle that I’m trying to drink 2 refills a day.  It’s a 1 liter size.  I keep a 1/2 lemon in there to entice me a bit more.

This battle with my emotional ties to food…..I *know* it won’t ever go away.  Alcoholics are always alcoholics.  For me, it truly feels much the same.  I will always have to separate  my emotions from food consciously.  Sigh.  It is what it is and some days I’ve accepted it.  Other days it feels like I’m starting back at square one.

On January 7th, I marked my 6 month anniversary of my new lifestyle.  I’ve lost just over half of what I want to lose total, so I feel like I’m doing well over all. It’s just lately I feel like I have to FIGHT for every stinking pound and I’m a little tired, you know?  I can’t take a hiatus (because that will ultimately make me feel worse) so I think that’s why I’ve neglected my blog once again.  But really, knowing there are people out there, reading my words and pepping me up (thanks, Sharon) is nice.  Maybe I’ve been embarrassed that I’m not doing better pounds-wise.  I don’t know, but I’m going to try very hard to journal my thoughts here–if only for myself–because it does help me clear the funk.