I now hover around 199-201lbs.  This is as thin as I’ve ever been.  I am the same size I was in high school.  I’m the same size I was when I got married.

I hit a wall.  In all ways but literal, I have hit a wall: dietary-wise, emotionally, physically, motivationally.  Is it more my mind or body that has me stumbling?  Staying motivated is much harder than getting motivated, in my experience.

 I had a heart-to-heart with my trainer about this metaphorical wall and he is helping me refocus. I gave him the key to my head and he used it to empower me.  I had the best session yet yesterday.  I literally left feeling high–like I was on a happy pill!  I’ve felt the endorphins before, but never like this.  Seriously addictive!  *click* that would be the light bulb!  Duh.  I stayed high the rest of the day.  I laid in bed for an hour and a half going over the whole workout  in my head again and again. If someone had told me I would lie in bed and basically *fantasize* about exercise and kicking butt, I would have laughed so hard!  Who is this woman?  Someone better check the closet for a pod!  I tell you what though, I am going to BRING IT like that to every session!

My trainer told me I was his strongest client right now.  Including the men he’s training.  WTF?  That was such a boost! Today at the gym, I saw him with a new client–her first session.  It was like looking at a mirror/time machine.  She is so the Old Me.  Fat, completely out-of-touch with her body, nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs and scared that she won’t be able to do it.  Okay, maybe I’m projecting too much of myself onto this situation, but gosh, did it take me back!  I’m still fat but I’m less fat.  I can feel new muscles emerging everyday and I know when I’m holding a good position for a specific exercise. I can do over 16 one-legged push-ups!  I’ve looked like a total dork in the gym more times than I could ever count and I don’t give a flying flip!  And while I lose focus and motivation sometimes (if I’m being honest, often), I’m not scared anymore.  I am doing this!  Nothing is going to stop me.  Not this freaking wall, not a bad day or hell, even a month of bad eating is going to stop me from reaching  my goals!

My 9 month old daughter is teething.  So after fantasizing about my kickbutt session and her waking up a billion times last night, I wound up with around 4 hrs of sleep total.  I so did not want to go to the gym but I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.  So I did.  And I hopped on the treadmill which is basically my least favorite thing in the world.  And I freaking  broke a  good sweat!  The most surprising thing for me was what a good mood it has put me in!  I feel like a whole new world is opening up to me.  All depressed people should exercise–I swear to god, it’s amazing!  And I’m not even a depressed type of person!

I’m breaking though to the other side.  That’s all there is to it.

I also want to say what a fabulous, supportive husband I have.  He said he would gladly pay for more sessions (and I didn’t even ask!)  I think he really respects the hard work I’ve been putting in and hey, who wouldn’t love a hotter wife, LOL!  I love him so much–for so many reasons, but his willing support is what I am grateful for today.  I’m a lucky girl!

p.s.  My favorite band is The Doors, so that was a reference.  Although I don’t think Jim Morrison ever wrote about an endorphin high. 🙂

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