In regards to my personal training, I’ve got a long way to go.  My mental toughness is not there yet.  I’ve got a negative dialogue in my head during my workouts that I’ve got to learn to ignore and replace it with mental toughness.  For example, I was doing the plank position and he told me I had five more seconds and then when I got to zero, he tacked on 5 more.  I know he’s testing my mental limits with that technique.  I need it so badly. 

For some reason, and I’m not sure how i got this way, but i have a minimalist attitude about everything–do the least amount possible to get the job done.  Be it exercise, cleaning, work, etc.  I find that slightly pathetic and KNOW I can be better than that.  And with food, I need more mental toughness.  I need it to be OK to say “no” to a late night snack.  Something tells me that the only way to being mentally tough is to challenge myself and test my capabilities.

So what’s holding me back?  I’ve thought about this all day and I have figured it out.  FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, of failure (that’s a big one), of looking stupid, of wasting my trainer’s time….Fear.  It’s always been fear.  That’s why I never tried to find a job in the field of my bachelor’s degree–i was so scared of being new and inexperienced.  I was scared of being the fat girl in an office of supercompetitive beautiful people. 

If you knew me, you would *never* guess what a chickenshit I really am about stuff.  I’m ridiculously outspoken.  I love to meet new people and will talk to a wall if I have to.  But it remains true that I am scared of change.  I’m scared to change myself.  Wow.  Writing that out is pretty powerful for me.

Why am I so fearful? 

Holy Shit!  I’m insecure.  I have never considered myself to be insecure, but I’ve just realized that I am.  I was recently at a kids’ birthday party (actually the picture below was at that party) and last year I would have felt so out of place with all the hot moms, but because I felt pretty hot, I was so much more at ease.  Holy shit. 

Where do I go from here?

to be continued……….

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