Karma? Kismet? Fate?

A couple things happened yesterday. 

1.  I made a doctor’s appointment for a physical.  I haven’t had a physical since I was an athlete in high school.  I’m actually establishing a relationship with this doctor to be my primary care physician.  I want to get all the blood work, etc done.

2.  I was feeling like total shit about my progess/nonprogess that I blogged about yesterday.

Then today, I got a call from my insurance company.  Well, not exactly my insurance company, but from a program they offer. Basically, the program offers health counselors to help you prevent illness and promote a healthy lifestyle.  You know, diet strategies and getting health screening–that sort of stuff. I spoke with a woman named Dawn.  She point blank asked me what health concerns I might have.  I gave her a brief history of what I’ve been doing to get healthy.  And then I tell her about my nemesis: snacking.   Afternoon and evening snacking.  The zoning out and decompressingsnacking.  The crackers…..oh, the crackers.  (I think I actually amused her with some of my jokes–I love to entertain, LOL)

And suprisingly, she had a great suggestion:  I should try meditation or yoga after the kids go to bed to decompress and chill.  Instead of eating.

That’s brilliant!  I’ve been thinking about yoga for a while now but just haven’t gotten around to trying it yet.  I think I even have a DVD somewhere.  I’m trying it tonight.

So I’m not a very religious person (read: not religious at all) but there’s something about this phone call happening today after the events of yesterday.

Wake up call, perhaps? Motivation?  I don’t know yet, but for whatever reason it was timely.  I heard or read once that if you beseech the universe, it tends to answer you.  Is that what happened?

 

What’s New, Pussycat?

Hi there!  Guess what?  I got to go on a SPA WEEKEND! 

Can you say magical?  Because it was.  Heavenly.  Wonderful. Rejuvenating.  Although I am back up to 194, thanks to the extremely rich food I ate and the lack of exercise.  That’s disappointing, but what’s done is done.

My dear friend Beth is turning 30 next week and her husband treated Beth, myself and two other friends to a girls’ weekend.  It was so much fun!  We got to laugh and eat and get pampered all weekend.  Each of us got 5 spa treatments:  Manicure, Pedicure, Facial, Mint Body Wrap and Full Body Massage.  All were great, but I really enjoyed the wrap and massage.  The massage therapist took one look at my legs and asked if I worked out.  Her words: “they are massive!”  Typing that out makes it sound bitchy but her tone made it sound like a compliment.  It was nice that she noticed!

I was able to use the quiet time for a lot of self-reflection.  I really focused on why I keep losing and gaining the same 3-4lbs.  190-194 over and over.  Why am I doing that?

The Fear.

Yep, again.

I am so afraid of the unknown.  It seems so ridiculous when I type it out, but I am.  This weight is my comfort zone. Truly, this is as thin as I’ve ever been as an adult.  I don’t know what life, my body, my will power, my commitment will be like beyond this point. 

Something else that is discouraging me is my actual shape.  This weight loss has left me SO lumpy in my midsection. (see a couple posts down for reference. ugh)  I refer to it as my “built-in fanny pack” because the skin/fat/flab/c-section wasteland is like this fanny pack below my belly button.  It’s just awful and I can’t WAIT until I get a tummy tuck.  Pants just look abnormal on me–either I get extreme muffin top or this yucky, puffy area under the zipper area.  It feels so unfair that even after all my hard work, I still look like shit.  Or at least that area does.  It sucks. Hardcore.

But back to the fear.  Being fat and using food for comfort are what I’m used to.  If I give them up, what do I replace them with?  How do I give them up?  

What if I fail?

Every evening, I promise myself that I won’t snack that night.  And then I do.  I can have a perfect day, food-wise, and then blow it after the kids go to bed.  I am so frustrated!

What if I fail?  Why am I sabotaging myself? I don’t know how to put this any other way:  I’ve always been good at every thing I’ve ever tried.  I don’t quit and I don’t fail. Those have never been options in my brain.  I got great grades that came easily.  I make and keep wonderful friends.  My kids are pretty darn awesome.  My marriage is better than ever.  I’ve never really failed at anything.  Except for weight-loss.

I know, I know–I have lost roughly 40lbs.  Those 40lbs were a walk in the park compared to the 30lbs I’ve got left.  Seriously.  If I had known how hard this would be 9 months into this, I doubt I would have started at all. But I’ve come so far. Too far to quit, that’s for sure.

I don’t quit and I don’t fail.

What if I fail?

I don’t quit and I don’t fail.

Maybe if I say it often enough, it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

tried something new today

Spin class!  I’ve never done it before.  I’ve been on a spin bike before in my training sessions. But never a class!  I decided that tonight was the night!

I’m always a little anxious about doing something new.  It’s a flaw of mine that I’ve been working on.  My anxiety about  new situations has actually stopped me from doing things in the past, unfortunately.  So I got my little pass and set my bike up.  I was expecting the worst because during my time on a spin bike with Fred, he puts his foot on the wheel to make it nearly impossible to move–it’s excruciatingly difficult and makes my quads burn like crazy. 

So I hopped on the bike and got to pedaling.  I am a people watcher and I notice everything:  there were people of all ages–probably early 20’s to the 60’s.  I think that’s pretty neat.  I could tell who the serious spinners were because they had their own special bike shoes.  I’m sure special shoes make a difference when riding long distance but I’m curious as to the benefits of them for spin class.  The music had already started and took it as a good sign that The Door’s Roadhouse Blues was the second song.

Admittedly, I took it a bit easier than I could have because I didn’t know what to expect.  Was I going to get 2/3 of the way through and poop out?  I’m WAY too competitive for that but I still held back.  Next time, I won’t.  I was following all the instructions and kept expecting it to feel like I was about to die.  That’s my mark of a good workout–if i feel like I might die from a heart explosion, LOL.  Sure, I was sweating like a sinner in church, but I really think that had more to do with the tiny little room I was in.  And then all of the sudden, we were cooling down and stretching.  45 minutes and I did it.  When I started, I wasn’t sure I could.  And I was keeping up with the special shoes peeps, too.

I am so proud of myself–I had no idea that my fitness level was that high.  Man, that feels so good after the shit day I had emotionally yesterday!  I need to remember that when I’m feeling down or discouraged or burned out, I should try to accomplish something new.  I’m probably not as bad off as my “funk” would have me believe!

 

and here it goes again.

I’m hitting the old mental wall again.  I think.  I hope not.

I’m trying very hard to stop it, but it is so stubborn.  I took SO much time off–basically the whole month of March, that I am really stuggling to get back to my fitness level I had gained before the break.  Plus, I can’t seem to keep my eating in check for more than a day or two.  Today, I asked my trainer to give me a pep talk.  Trust me, that dude does not get paid enough!  He is so willing to help me anytime that it’s feasible–listening, showing me something new, or writing out a new routine for me–and none of it is done during  my session time so they’re kinda freebies. 

He had some good advice that I am still processing.  One:  no crackers.  Crackers are  aptly named.  CRACKers.  I just can’t stop with a serving.  Fred also said to cut myself some slack since it’s only been maybe a week and half since I started back.  And to start small with the eating, hence the “no crackers.” He is so right.  I can avoid crackers all together, but if I eat one all kinds of hell breaks loose.

Another thing that’s tripping me up is that I got out of my routine of going to the gym five times a week.  It still feels a bit  foreign in some ways and like home in others.  I think I’m getting in the groove again.  I’ve got to find that rhythm, the balance again. 

Then there’s the emotional part.  Oy.  Long story short, we were spared from an F3 tornado on April 10th.  I actually saw the tornado hanging from the sky and then huddled in a closet with my family and waited for the worst.  And we were spared.  The tornado bounced over our subdivision, luckily.  An old classmate of mine lost his wife and 9 week-old-daughter in the same tornado–he was found 2 streets over from his house, barely alive.  He’s expected to recover.  Recover?  Yeah, he body may heal…but how the hell could he survive the grief……….

My aunt who lost her husband is leaning on me pretty heavily in her grief.  On one hand I want to be there for her, but on the other hand I dread her calls because I feel so damned  powerless and useless.  There’s nothing I can do to truly help ease her pain and it’s stressing me out.   I hope that I help her a little bit at least.

I’m trying to stay focused in the midst of this chaos.  Wish me luck!

 

Confidence is intoxicating!

I got an inkling of what beautifully confident women must feel like all the time.  I say beautifully confident because we all know that woman who is gorgeous and thinks she’s total dog.  Not that woman.  I’m talking about that woman who feels so good about herself it just radiates and makes other people feel good, too.

I was totally that girl the other night at my friend’s wedding reception.  And I loved every second of it.  I haven’t felt THAT good about myself in a while–good, but not THAT good, yk?  My hair was awesome; I loved my clothes and how they fit me.  Great makeup and accessories.  I couldn’t stop smiling between feeling good, seeing old friends and being over-the-moon happy for my dear friend whose party it was.

I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride after so many years of being the pudgy, funny girl.  It’s so cliche, but I feel like a fine wine that gets better with age. 

Now, if only I could translate that feeling into thwarting a bad case of the munchies I am fighting tonight!  Ha ha!

 

Mini Goal!

Now that I’m back (baby!), I have a new mini-goal.  I want to lose 10lbs by May1st.  Why May 1st?  Because I am going on a girls’ trip to Chattanooga with my best buds in the whole world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We are going for one gal’s birthday-her husband is putting us up for 2 nights and 2 days of spa-rificness! 

Really, I’m using the getaway as a marker, not that I NEED to lose 10lbs in order to have a good time on my trip.

My plan of attack is simple: twoadays!  I’ll workout as usual in the morning, 5 times a week.  But in the evenings, about a half-hour after dinner, I’m going for a  run/walk.  Get the heart rate up again and burn off a few extra calories.

I went to the grocery today and stocked up on healthy foods.  I even planned out all my meals for the week so I would know what to expect.  Actually, I should do this every week but it seems to be a struggle of mine to meal plan.  Anyone out there got any great ideas about meal planning?

So, planned meals and extra exercise.  That’s the plan.  10lbs is the goal.  I watched Biggest Loser last night (which was very inspiring) and I know I can do this.  It feels really good to have a battle plan!

 

When it rains, it pours.

My dad had a heart attack on Wednesday morning, March 25th.  Luckily, the doctor was able to place a stent and he’s on the road to recovery.  It was a “minor” heart attack and he’s a relatively fit guy, so the outlook is good providing he follows doctor’s orders.  So far, he is accepting it begrudingly–I think mostly for my mom’s benefit.  See, in reality, my mother has far more risk factors for a heart attack than my dad does, so this new this new lifestyle they are embarking on will behoove the both of them.

I won’t lie, it was terrifying–getting that phone call from my mom.  My dad is my original hero.  This family has had much loss in the last year–my father-in-law and my uncle.  My immediate thought was that I just CAN’T handle much more loss, especially not my dad.  Not my dad.  But once I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going to be okay.  He didn’t even look sick and was cutting up with the nurses.  And as I mentioned, the doctor was able to fix him right up.  I am so relieved beyond measure.

So, to get back to the focus of my blog!  I haven’t been able to workout much this week.  Fred wrote me a plan that allows for my lack of exercise over the last 3 weeks.  I actually got to use it today and I can really tell that I’ve lost some of the progess I had made.  (and I drank coffee, which made my heart rate go higher and take longer to recover, doh!)  But man, was it great to be back in the swing of things!  I’m holding at 190lbs, which is a miracle considering my diet lately.  I think I’ve lost some muscle mass, unfortunately.  But I’ll get it back! 

Now it’s time for life to get back to normal and I’m completely ready.  I can’t  believe that my normal includes daily exercise–I was never that girl. And now I am.  How amazing is that?

 

I’m back!

I’m back to blogging and my healthy lifestyle again.  Unfortunately, my uncle/friend died on March 14th with his wife by his side.  He felt no pain and went peacefully.  He will be missed greatly for his quick smile and kind spirit.

I’m really glad that I purposefully took some  time off.  It was nice not to have any guilt over missing a workout.  I probably should have tried to run a bit or do some routines, but my heart wasn’t in it and honestly, I was just so busy.  Between out-of-town and out-of-country guests, I’ve spent a lot of time in the car and cleaning. 

Today, I bought some new shoes.  I’ve had the same ones for 8 months now and they have been beaten to a pulp nearly!  Since I’ve been running intervals, I can really feel the impact on my knees–those old shoes just weren’t cutting it anymore.  I also managed to pick up another pair of gym pants. I usually wear capri or knee length–even if it’s blizzard cold outside.  I just can’t stand the extra fabric around my ankles–acutally, one day I had to wear some old long pants to the gym since all my capris were dirty.  I barely made through the warm-up before they were driving me bonkers.  What do I do?  I bebop over to the wellness office to borrow some scissors and hacked those pants into some Huck Finn looking shorts!!!!!  I still can’t believe I did that, lol.  But they were much more comfy that way and they were too big in the waist anyhow, so I chucked them when I got home.  I’m not much of fashion maven.  Since I’ve lost 40+lbs, I do enjoy looking for clothes more since the options have opened up big time for me. 

Roni of Roni’s Weigh wrote about being “that girl” at the gym who wears a sports bra and pants–bare belly.  (this would be highly unusual attire at my gym–kind of a family place, yk?)  I know that I will never show my midsection in public no matter how thin I am.  All the tummy tucks in the world will not get rid of the stretch marks up to my bra band.  Yeah, they are that bad.  Kinda sad, but oh well–not much that can be done.  I’m actually cool with that–I mean, it is what it is.  My “that girl” outfit is the tanks with spaghetti straps or thin racer-back straps.  When you are a 38DDD, those tops just aren’t engineered that way.  I bring this up because a friend of mine had a breast reduction done on Friday.  I’ve always figured I would get a breast reduction myself one day.  Now that I’m getting fit and becoming smaller, I want it even more.  I’m proud that I could nourish both my children with them, but nowadays they are really holding me back athletically.  Eventually, I would like a breast reduction, tummy tuck and possibly an arm lift.

I’m ready to get back to the gym.  I’m ready to be sore and tired.  I’m ready to get back what I’ve probably lost in the last 2 weeks.  I’m ready to be back on track, baby!

 

Living and learning

To my regular readers:  I’m so sorry!  I’ve been prepping for my daughter’s first birthday party and it sucked every second of my extra time (or at least it seems that way, LOL).  We also had family from out of state come in for the party so I had lots and lots to do. I weigh around 192 in this pic. 

 

 

But not-so-great news. I’m up a couple, few pounds thanks to a wreckless weekend of bad food choices.  I’m hoping it’s mostly salt/water retention from stress, but I don’t know yet.  Sigh.  I swear I would be at goal already if I didn’t have setbacks.  But I wouldn’t learn as much if I didn’t have setbacks…..so I just don’t know what to think.

I’m having a tough go right now.  A person  I care for very much is dying of cancer.  I want to be there as much as I can for his soon-to-be widow, but I know that I, nor anyone else, is going to be enough for her.  I know what she is going to face in the coming months and it’s tearing me apart inside.  Unfortunately, I’ve watched both of my husband’s parents die of cancer and it’s awful and ugly and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  And dammit, I haven’t healed from watching my father-in-law die last year yet and I’m just not ready to do it again but here it comes whether I like it or not!  Add in some conflict between some extended family members. 

I am stressed out and sad.

So I am struggling. 

I am trying my damndest not to bury my head in the BBQ potato chips left on the counter by out out-of-towners.  I managed to make it to the gym today and did some cardio–10 extra minutes even.  Fred is switching up my routine this week: all I know so far is that my cardio is going to be upped and the strength training taken down a couple notches.  I’m not quite sure why though.  I’ll ask him tomorrow.

Speaking of my training, I had a crappy session on Friday.  It was not fun like I was expecting.  I had gotten bad sleep the night before thanks to a teething baby, so that was strike one.  Stress of getting the party/company situated:  strike two. Running late:  strike three.  And then the stuff he had me doing was just NOT FUN like last week’s session.  Very little interactive stuff.  It was not at all what I was expecting or anticipating, so I was kinda disappointed. Part of that is my fault.  I told him to be hard on me and give me things that I *might* not be able to accomplish.  I was so rushed that I didn’t really self-analyze and see that it just wasn’t the day for me mentally.  

If I’m gonna Pollyanna this, I would say there were a few good things that came out of it.

 1.  I was able to accomplish something Fred didn’t know I could do. The exercise was me in a “girl” push-up position, Fred sitting on my feet, facing my butt (LOL, poor guy!).  I wasn’t allowed to bend my hips, so that meant I was keeping my entire body above the knees, straight.  I started kneeling and he would push me to the mat where I would catch myself in a push-up and push myself back up to kneeling only to be pushed down again.  20 times X 3 sets= 60 of these damn things. 

 2.  I learned how truly important it is not to mentally defeat myself.  For the myriad of reasons I listed above, the session just wasn’t going well.  Then Fred wanted me to put my feet on a mover’s dolly (think a wooden frame on casters, no handles; just flat) and in push-up position, walk down the length and then across the width of the gym floor.  And I just knelt there and told myself there was no way i could do that.  And guess what?  I didn’t!  I totally *knew* I was psyching myself out *while* it was going on and I couldn’t freaking stop it! ARRGGHHHH!  I even said, “I’m mentally defeating myself right now.”  And I could.not.stop.it.  We moved onto other things and came back to it and I’m proud to say that I managed to make it to half court without giving up.

3.  I learned that I perform better with an audience.  I don’t want the regulars at the gym see me give up, so I don’t give up.  But when we’re off on the basketball courts alone I don’t feel that pressure as much.  I’m not entirely proud that I like to basically show-off, but it is what it is and if  it helps me reach my goals, so be it.

I’m learning. I’m learning.

 

Lucy, you got some ’spaining to do!

Yep, fell off the face of the blogsphere again.  I am SUCH an avoider!  It’s not even funny how much I avoid blogging when I’m not on track.  Actually, it’s a pretty safe bet that if I haven’t blogged in several days, I’m off track.

Okay, so I’m off track.  Well, until today.  Today was a major improvement.

I’ll start at the beginning.  I’m only nursing my daughter once a day–that eliminates 10 weight watcher points.  I am having a hard time adjusting.  Now add the return of my cycle–hormones in all their glory!  I’ve gained a couple pounds back unfortunately.  I’m hitting that freaking mental wall again and it just flabbergasts me that I’m STILL hitting it!  After all this time–nearly 7 months now.

Postives:  I cranked out 1/2 mile on the treadmill yesterday and today (5mph).  I have run 1/2 mile before but never and I mean NEVER have I “cranked” it out like it was nothing.  Seriously, it was no big deal.  My heart rate only got up to 158.  180 is where I feel like I might die, so well below that!  I had no idea that my cardiovascular health had improved that much.  I ran a mile way before Christmas and I hated every second of it, so maybe I’m learning to love running. Who knows?

I have gotten over my fear of looking stupid at the gym.  See, I’m working with my trainer once a week now instead of twice a week (much easier on the checkbook).  So he gives me a routine that I follow when I’m not working with him.  So why was I scared of looking stupid?  The main reason is that he has me doing highly unconventional exercises (well at least at my gym where most people do the nautilus stuff and cardio machines) involving stuff like  TRX, kettlebells and pushing the treadmill while it’s off. When he’s next to me, coaching, it’s fine.  The first day I was alone, I felt so silly until this woman came up to me, out of the blue, and told me I was inspiring.  That was pretty cool, so I got over that little bit of anxiety!

Fred (trainer) also has me food journaling.  I was supposed to be doing it starting LAST Wednesday.  I tried a couple times but was eating WAY too much and I just didn’t want to see it written down in black & white.  Which, DUH, that’s the whole point of a food journal.  See?  I’m an avoider to the max!  I didn’t want to lie on the journal, but I didn’t want to disappoint Fred (or myself?) so I just avoided doing it.  Sigh.  Am I EVER going to learn?  Avoiding problems does nothing to solve them.  I know that.   I KNOW that.  Sigh.

I’m also struggling with some sadness. My aunt’s husband, who is just a few years older than I am, is dying of a rare form of kidney cancer.  It’s terribly unfair.  He–Rick, is a wonderful person who never has anything mean to say about anyone.  And he loves my aunt so, so much.  Aside from being sad about Rick’s cancer, I’m very worried about my aunt.  She leans on me quite a bit since I work for her and I’m just so worried that she’s going to fall apart and I’ll feel responsible for picking up the peices.  I don’t know if that is the reality or not, but right now it feels that way.  I haven’t wanted to admit it, but this has been contributing to the stress eating. 

The worst time for my snacking is between lunch and 3pm and then after 9 when the kids go to bed.  I had a leftover banana and I’m stopping there.  I don’t want to have to write it down on the food journal!  I’m committing myself to the food journal for at least a week. 

Plan of Attack:  Food Journal!  Stay busy during snacky down times (maybe get some stuff accomplished around here!)  Keep up with the exercise!