I haven’t written in nearly 2 months.  Whoa, Nelly.

Rather than dwell on why I haven’t written, I’m just gonna write.

I’m holding steady around 185lbs.  Eating has been crappy for various reasons–which is not to say I’ve given up, but I’ve been making some poor choices out of weakness, peer pressure and other environmental factors.  I’ve also not been giving 100% at the gym.

Why?  I think I’m feeling complacent.  I’m wearing a size 10 (which, man, does that feel so good!) in some jeans.  I feel really good about my appearance and my self-esteem is good.  I think the problem is my focus—and this is going to sound so conceited, but I’m getting some of the attention I’ve always wanted and I have less incentive to continue, in a way.

I’ve always maintained that I am doing this for myself.  My goal is 160. I am willing myself to buckle down and reach my goal.

I’m still doing the High Intensity Metabolic classes.  My group has such a wonderful chemistry that it makes class better.  Fred is such a creative person, fitness-wise.  Just when I think I’ve reached a great fitness level, he introduces something that makes me go “Jeez!”  We do circuits now in timed intervals.    I really enjoy it!

I’ve been avoiding my blog.  I do this when I don’t have anything happy to write, which is stupid, since I use this blog in lieu of therapy and who needs therapy for happy stuff?

I’ll be back later tonight.  I’m no longer MIA.  Not that anyone is reading this, LOL, but I like to pretend!  ahahahahah!

Okay, I DEFINITELY was in a funk.  I’ve pulled myself out of it mostly but tonight Roni over at Roni’s Weigh shared which accomplishments she’s most proud of and, in turn, asked her readers to do the same.

Focusing on what I’ve accomplished is far more nurturing to my soul than dwelling on the negative!  So here I go!

In no particular order:

1.  My husband and I have a beautiful family.  I have so much love for them that sometimes I feel like I could explode.  We’ve been married 9 years and each year we become closer and learn each other better.  We are committed to the long haul and I take such comfort in that trust.  My children….they just amaze me all the time with how wonderful they are.  My son has a gentle nature that can’t be taught.  My daughter has so much spunk and determination.  I am the luckiest woman alive, I think.

2.  I get to be a SAHM.  I feel like getting to be a mommy is a priviledge and the fact that I don’t have to leave them every day is an dream come true.

3.  I have the ability to “get back on the horse.”  Even if I’m making a poor food choice, it doesn’t derail me from my ultimate vision.  I don’t just give up and revert back to my old ways.  Old habits might sneak in, but I’ve equipped myself with the tools to banish them, too.

4.  I’ve finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.  I never thought I’d figure that out and look, I have.  Amazing.

I have been in a funk.

I saw a friend of mine who’s lost 17lbs and looks fabulous.  While I am proud and happy for her, I had a knee-jerk, inner jealousy reaction to her success.  Why?  Because I haven’t been focused.  I’m hovering.  I’m letting my relationship with food have too much importance.   I’m living to eat instead of eating to live.  I’m seeking refuge from insecurities and stress in food.

When am I going to learn?

I’m starting over again, mentally, emotionally and habit-wise.  See, just a couple weeks ago I was all zen about this–I got too comfy and now I must re-learn my lesson.

What would I tell a newbie?  Maybe that’s what I need to be telling myself.  Since I’m doing very well in the exercise department

1.  Fill up on veggies.

2.  Rid your home of trigger foods.

3.  Try to make small, healthy choices.  Salad instead of fries.

4.  Plan your meals & snacks ahead.  And keep something with you so you aren’t tempted to stop.

5. Drink lots of fluids as long as they don’t contain sugar.

6.  STOP SNACKING!  That’s not what you’re hungry for.

7.  Eat consciously, i.e. not in front of the computer in total zone out mode.

8. Don’t let yourself get too hungry–that is asking for a round of overeating.

9. When people tell you that you inspire them, take it as a compliment and not as an opportunity to  mentally put your flaws under a magnifying glass.  Okay, this one isn’t for a newbie, but I need to remind myself of this, badly.

Breathe.  I can do this. I AM doing this.

I’ve picked up some old habits again.  The main one being snacking alone at night after the kids go to bed.  Sigh.

Since this habit is usually stress-induced, it’s time for a little self-reflection.  And since you’re my lucky readers, you get to come with me!

Okay, what’s bothering me?

1.  I’m plateauing like a mother right now.  I am extremely frustrated with this.  I’ve ramped up my exercise like crazy and yet, no weight is coming off.  I think my middle is smaller, but I don’t really know.  I did buy my first ever size L shirt, tho. That was nice.

2.  I’ve made the decision that I will become a personal trainer yet can’t accomplish my own goals.  How am I supposed to help anyone else?  This one is particularly nuts because I don’t plan on even starting on certifications until next year.  I’ve got lots of time, yk?

Three friends of mine have given me pep talks and while I’m feeling a bit better, I’m still not feeling in control.  I still feel like as soon as I’m alone, I’ll stuff my face.

What are you really hungry for, Brianne?

Success.  Size 8 jeans.  Perspective, since I seem to have temporarily lost mine. Courage. Perseverence. Belief in myself.  Clarity.

I am in week 5 of the High Intensity Metabolic Training.  HIM, from here on out.  This is the most intense hour!  We’ve reached the level where we get little to no rest and are upping the difficulty at the same time.

First of all, I want to say what an amazing group of women we are!  Ages ranging from me (I just realized I’m the baby!) nearly 30-nearly 50.  And we all rock it out!

After warm-up, we went straight into our first sequence.  24 squats, 24 lunges, 24 split jumps and then 12 squat jumps.  We did that sequence 3 times without stopping.  I’m thinking it took us 7 minutes or so–but I’m not sure.  Those last squat jumps burned so badly but I just set my jaw and decided I was going to push through all the messages in my brain telling me to STOP!  I was so proud of myself for busting the last little bit as hard as I could.

With only a 2 minute break (which felt like 30 seconds), we went into a circuit.  There were five stations:  walking push-ups, rows on the TRX, ball slams against the gym wall, wall pushs and lateral squat jumps (I think they are called this–squatting and jumping around 180 degrees, as fast as possible).  It was 50 seconds on, 10 seconds to get to your next station and set up.  We did this circuit twice.  I found the rows to be the hardest today because my forearms are SO sore from Monday’s workout.

Then the fun stuff really got going!  I’m so excited just writing about it!

We went outside for another circuit:

  1. dragging and then pushing a tractor tire.  The tire had ropes and 2 rings attached.  So you pull the tire  down the line, facing the tire and walking backwards and then on the way back you push against the ring with the tire behind you.  Friction is the name of the game on this one–that tire does what tires are meant to do: grip pavement!  This was a challenging leg of the circuit.

2.  Flipping tractor tires end over end.  I have no clue how heavy that tire is but I can tell you it’s probably 5′ high.  I’m only 5’3″!  But that’s the tire I use because the other ones wouldn’t challenge me enough.  (okay, a bit of bragging there!).  There were actually 2 tires at this station for 2 people.

3.  Pushing Fred’s car in the YMCA parking lot!  I know, I can’t believe it either!  While one person is pushing, the driver is taking a rest and steering the car.  I would roughly estimate the length we pushed the car to be 75 yards.  I may be way off on that, though.  There was a turn, too, that was slightly uphill. I lost momentum and the car stopped!  Fred gave us all a hand getting up the slight hill.  Talk about EXHAUSTING!  But we all did it–how awesome is that?!?!?!

After we were all spent and had stretched, we had a group hug.  That sounds so cheesy, but I feel like this group is my team and we went through something difficult and were successful.  It’s amazing how that bonds people.  I feel like I’ve found my fitness tribe.

There are so many people, both online and IRL, who have touched my journey.   While I did this alone, I didn’t really–I’ve had some awesome cheerleaders along the way.  I thanked my trainer, Fred, in the last post and realized I have a lot more thanks to dole out!

In no paticular order:

My husband.  He has been so supportive of this lifestyle change; namely, eating whatever healthy fare I put on the dinner table.  I am so grateful that he eats what I cook without complaint and usually with a compliment. He’s only complained mildly about the money I spend on fitness and related gear.  He’s generous enough in spirit to tell me he’s proud of me.  Add the fact that he works so hard so I can stay home with the kids (or take them to the gym) and you’ve got one amazing man.

My friend/neighbor Alicia.  She lives right next door and always has a kind word to say about my dedication.  She’s also the one who gently reminds me when I need to lighten up a bit on myself.  I definitely get in the zone sometimes—she helps me be a little more balanced.  Also, Alicia meets me a the gym so we can hang out and work out.  There’s nothing like a girlfriend to chat with!  Another big way she’s helped me is with clothes.  I have no clue most of the time about what looks good on me.  I like to take her shopping because she has great fashion sense and is honest with me.

My best bud, Betsy.  Betsy is not the rah-rah type of cheerleader but when you’ve done something special, she’s the first one to congratulate you.  Even though she is stretched a million ways by her job and family, if I have a problem that I need to talk about , she will make time to listen and nearly always gives me solid, well-thought-out advice.  And she also teaches me a lot about clothes.  Betsy is a great cook so we like to swap up healthy meal ideas.

My friend from college, Megan.  She always has something positive to say.  She’s also one of the few IRL people I let read this blog since she’s a blogger herself.

My gym buddies–these are the peeps I would have never known had I not started this new lifestyle.  Desi, Audra, Camille, Christy, Angie…..I could go on.  Heck, there are some folks whose names I don’t know.  But seeing them work hard inspires me.  Just a smile or a “looking good” or a simple “great job” really makes my day better.

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